Is It Alright to Lie To Someone With Dementia?

You need to ask yourself, not only, is it right to lie to someone with dementia, but does it even help?

Many years ago it was the accepted thought that lying to someone with dementia was absolutely wrong, that it was important to try to bring them back to reality, or they should have a reality orientation. But people discovered that this approach didn’t work, in fact, it had a tendency to backfire, and make a situation worse. You must remember that typically, using reason doesn’t always work any longer.

For example, if an elderly dementia patient asked to see his/her parent (who was deceased) and you gave them the cold, hard facts that their parent was dead, it could often lead to disagreement, frustration, anger and aggression, because they “knew” their parent was not dead. Another reaction that might be displayed is deep sorrow and crying, it would be as if this was the first time they were hearing this, so they now have to go through the grieving process again, and depending on how many times this truth was given to them, they must grieve again and again.

So how should you handle the “truth”?

Everyone is different, so how you handle any individual with dementia should be…

• with compassion
• with understanding
• with acknowledgement of the person’s feelings
• with calmness to reduce distress and encourage happiness and well-being

Lying isn’t recommended.

Typically, lying isn’t recommended, it can actually put a strain on an already touchy relationship. But there are some things that you could do that could ease the situation and appease the person.

1. Validate and Redirect – It’s important to remember that the person is confused and possibly disoriented, so when they make a statement that you know is not correct, validate it by asking questions about it.
   1. For example one senior lady would tell her daughter that there were people outside in a car watching their house. The daughter asked her what the car looked like, and said she would go take a look. Upon returning, she told her mother that they must have left, because there were no cars out there, which satisfied her.
   2. Redirection involves changing your loved ones focus (if you can) to something they enjoy doing, such as listening to music, looking at a magazine/book or enjoying a snack together.
2. Therapeutic Fibs – Sometimes when validation and redirection don’t work, using a therapeutic fib could help. These are like “little white lies”, or bending the truth, but not out and out lying. Of course, even fibbing to someone you love makes you feel bad, but sometimes if it isn’t something harmful, it can be helpful.
   1. An example, using the same mother and daughter from above: At one point, when the mother was in the hospital, and was not going to be released, she kept saying, “I’m going home, I want to go home.” The only way the daughter could appease her was to tell her that it wasn’t going to be today, and that the doctor was going to tell her when she would be leaving.

It’s a good idea to have answers to some of the questions you might be faced with, already in your mind, so you aren’t caught off guard. Your response could make all the difference in how your elderly loved one reacts. They will be questions similar to these:

• When can I go home?
• Did you steal my purse?
• Is my mother coming to visit soon?
• Why are those people outside watching our house
• Who are you and why are you in my home?

Keep in mind, you aren’t trying to bring your loved one back into your world, but rather to help them live in theirs.

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